Fancy World

Last Saturday I'd scheduled an appointment to cash in one of my recent Groupon purchases. Because I'm a Morton, I love a deal. I got a great deal on this particular service, forget the fact that it was torture hidden in a bargain, I got a great deal. This particular Groupon was for laser hair removal. I'm not particularly hairy I just wanted my bikini line to be smooth and perfect for all those days I spend in my bikini in the summer. That would be the 1 week at the farm, but it was a great deal. I scheduled the appointment for Saturday and set up a babysitter because Dan had a gig at the same time. The day before, the babysitter texted me that she was sick. No problem I thought, I can probably get another.....yeah right. After running through my long list of sitters I'd come to realize that the kids would be joining me at the appointment. No problem we've got a computer, iTunes and the ability to rent any movie for 24 hours. I told the kids that I'd be taking them, they'd be watching a movie in the waiting room and if they caused any problems they would be the recipients of the service I was going for. It doesn't matter that they are pre-pubescent, the idea of laser hair removal in that region of the body was frightening to both.
So, children are set up to watch the movie, I go in for my bargain torture and got what seemed to be my money's worth in the 10 minutes (I may be exaggerating here) of pain I endured with each light pulse that sent messages to my hair follicles to instructing them to die. I got through some particularly painful areas by remembering the great deal I got on the service. I emerge from the torture chamber in 10 minutes and my children look up at me with disappointment in their eyes because they were ready to sit on the couch and watch the entire movie in the waiting room. I'm actually surprised neither thought to ask if I wanted any of the other wonderful services offered at the establishment, like a skin peel or botulism injected into my brow line just so they could continue watching the movie.
To reward them for their stellar behavior, I took them to Zachary's pizza on the way home. Zachary's is the most fabulous deep dish pizza imaginable. It takes at least 30 minutes to make after you order so I had to be very interactive with both kids to keep them from climbing the walls and talking about the movie that they only got to watch for 10 minutes. While Monkey and I were talking about the cars that he would like to own, the CHF was coloring the standard picture that restaurants give to children to keep them from making a scene. At one point I look over at the CHF's picture and notice that the giraffe is yellow with blue spots. I remark that I've never seen those colors for a giraffe before. The CHF looks at me and says "It's in my Fancy World".
I'm puzzled because I've never heard of Fancy World before so I say "Hu?". She said, "Fancy World, where all the colors are different for everything, everyone has a Fancy World". I'm even more perplexed by this Fancy World now and admit to the CHF that "I don't have a Fancy World". She looks at me like I've got three heads and starts to color again. Approximately 23.5 seconds pass and she looks up at me and says to me with a hint of indignation, "Mom, you DO have a Fancy World, you've just never been there". Now I've got about a million thoughts racing through my brain at the speed of....well whatever speed it was, and the thoughts/questions I'm most struck by are:
1. Has my 6 year old already figured out how terribly left brained I tend to be?
2. Is she really that perceptive?
3. Is she disappointed?
4. Is she really that deep?

I ask her "What would my Fancy World look like?" She rolls her eyes and sighs while saying, "I don't know, it's your Fancy World". Now I see the disappointment on her face, the look in her eyes that shows that she is wondering how she could have been incubated by someone like me and thank God she's got her dad to relate to. Then I ask "Did you learn about Fancy World in school, or is this something your Dad created with you?". I see she wants to reach across the table to knock some sense into me but goes for something worse, she looks at me with utter pity, incredulous that I can be this dense and says "No mom, this is from my head, no one else's". I ask if she goes there often and she says she does, it's how she get's through the day at school with good behavior.

My goal for every day from now on is try to visit my Fancy World. The only problem I've found so far is that I tried to put that destination into my GPS and I keep getting an error. Perhaps I need to download the update it keeps telling me about.

I statements

So yesterday the CHF and I were having a conversation about an incident that happened to me as a child that involved my dear older sister causing me bodily harm. For some reason CHF brought this up last night and asked why her loving aunt could have done something like that. I told her I didn't know but that it really hurt. CHF then proceeded to tell me that I could have used an "I statement" to let her know how I felt.

Fast forward/flash back: The CHF and I were then in the kitchen discussing some things and I questioned why she called me a "Marmaduke" over the weekend during one of her fits of rage. She indicated that she was angry at the time that she said it. I decided to employ the "I statement" approach she'd just taught me.

Mom: "I feel hurt when you say things like that to me. I feel bad when you call me names"

CHF (without malice or skipping a beat): Oh good, that's what I was trying to do.

Once again, she wins.

The Birds and The Bees

The CHF wanted to watch a movie the other day, Dan was in the process of watching a program and I was working on my laptop so I’d requested that she bring Monkey’s laptop to me so that she could watch her movie that way. As the dinosaur of a laptop was starting up, I tried to keep the CHF calm and remind her that Monkey’s computer was old and took a while to start up. As it chugged along and the screen began to flicker I watched the screen as Internet Explorer came up immediately with a website loaded: sexgames.com was right there on the screen for everyone to view. As I started to minimize the application, try to distract the CHF and call for Dan, my mind began to race with various questions:

1. When did this start?
2. Is he really only going to be 9 next month
3. When was the last time I’d checked his internet history?
4. How did he go from legos.com to sexgames.com?


A quick search through his history gave me answers to questions 1 and 3 above but obviously 2 and 4 could not be answered by looking at data on a screen. He was staying the night at my Girlie Consultant’s (GC=The woman who I turn to when I need to look feminine but don’t quite know how) house so I quickly picked up the phone to get his inquisitive little butt home ASAP. GC told me she was just about to make the kids breakfast and seeing I didn’t have a real plan in place in terms of punishment and lecture I thought it just as well that he remain at her house until Dan and I came up with a plan for how to tackle this subject.

As Dan and I were talking about it GC called to let me know that certain events in her home led her to believe that there was some discussion between Monkey, her son (who I’ll refer to as T who is almost 12) and another neighborhood kid (Biscuit who is 14) about this particular topic and sharing of information on New Year’s Eve when they were all together. T claimed that Monkey was the one who brought up the topic. GC stated she didn’t believe it because he was the youngest of the group. Knowing my son the way I do, I didn’t for a split second think it was ludicrous that Monkey would be the one to broach the topic in order to:
a. Look cool in front of the older boys
b. Try to get more information about a topic that he’s desperate to know more about but too embarrassed to ask his parents about.

Dan and I discussed it and decided that Dan would take him to talk about how the topic came up, how certain information on the internet would be avoided, how he would no longer be permitted to be on the internet without supervision, and finishing with the logistics of sex; the reasons for it, the logistics, the emotional components etc.

Monkey expressed a bit of horror when Dan took him to a public coffee shop to have this discussion. After Dan assured him that no one could hear their conversation they talked for a while about everything. These are my favorite parts of the conversation that were shared with me:

Dan: (After discussing the events of New Year’s Eve) Was this the first time you visited a website like that?

Monkey: No
Dan: When and what prompted you to search for something like that on the internet?
Monkey: During the summer I met a kid at the aquatic park who told me about a scene in a movie that got me thinking about everything.
Dan: So what did you do?
Monkey: I did a Google search on “Naked Kissing”

I had a hard time concentrating on the pieces of the conversation that Dan shared with me after that because I was laughing about the words that he chose for the Google search which were slightly different than T’s search “Hot Sexy Naked Women”, so it left me realizing that Monkey still has a touch of innocence (or had up until the search results were revealed).

Dan and Monkey met The CHF and I at a store after this big discussion and Monkey decided to drive back home with me. During the drive home my conversation with Monkey went a little something like this:

Mom: Monkey, was the information that Daddy provided to you all new or did you already know some of the information?
Monkey: Well, I kinda knew some of the stuff but it was bumpy. Daddy was like a steamroller that came through and smoothed everything out for me.
Mom: (trying not to laugh out loud), Monkey have you heard someone else use that analogy?
Monkey: What’s an analogy?
Mom: What you just did with “bumpy and steamroller” when describing what it was like for you in your head.
Monkey: Nope, those were my words.

Overall it ended well, with an eventual confession (the next day after telling him that there was some inconsistencies in his and T’s story) from Monkey that it was indeed he that brought the subject up first on New Year’s Eve with the other boys. I then had to have a discussion with Biscuit’s mom about how I wasn’t angry but that he should be reminded that despite Monkey’s extensive vocabulary and confidence, he’s still only in 3rd grade while Biscuit just started high school. There are some things that Monkey should be exposed to when he’s just a wee bit older.

I knew this day would arrive quickly when standing at TCBY with Monkey as an 18 month old watching him literally stop dead in his tracks when he saw a really cute teenage girl and then watching him perform for her. I’m glad to have discovered that I can sometimes rely on my intuition and take comfort in the tiny fact that I do have pretty good insight to my son, even if sometimes I don’t enjoy what my intuition is telling me.

I was thinking that discovering these things about your kids wasn’t the most rewarding part of the job but, after some thought I’ve decided I was wrong, this is terribly rewarding and exactly what I signed up for; learning, teaching, worry and plenty of laughter.

I think this picture of Monkey trying to be cool while standing next to Alvin sums up exactly where he is in his life right now.

The Corner

So, I realize it's been an exceptionally long time since I blogged. It's not for lack of funny things my children have said, it's more a lack of motivation to write it down. I'm currently having a bachelorette evening with the CHF. She is supposed to be in her bed but the past few nights she's woken up and crawled her bony little body into our bed. She hasn't done this for quite some time so I'm figuring she's having a growth spurt because isn't that the answer for any odd or regressive behavior with your children?

Last night, she was supposed to be eating her dinner and much to my dismay she was playing and doing everything she possibly could to avoid eating. This wouldn't be a problem for me, however it never fails that she gets hungry right before she has to go to bed which increases my workload. I don't actually like to have my workload increased when I'm trying to wind down. After much discussion with her, I finally decided she'd need to go stand in the corner, which is something I had to do from time to time with Monkey and it worked pretty well with him. The CHF is of course another story. I told her I'd start the 5 minute clock when she became compliant. She was in the corner a good 7 minutes before I could even start the clock, coming up with all kinds of reasons why she couldn't stand there, from having to pee to letting me know that her food was getting cold. I decided to avoid using the opportunity as a lesson in irony. When she was finally calming down and I was about to start the clock, she alerted me that she really didn't like spending time in the DAMN corner. I literally had to hide behind the entertainment center so that I could laugh hysterically.

007

Monkey showed up in the office one afternoon wearing this getup, cleverly put together by himself. For the past few months, Dan and Monkey have developed a Sunday morning ritual where they wake early and watch a James Bond movie. I'm not crazy about my 8 year old watching the violence and the womanizing, but I also understand that I'm a woman and cannot relate to the need that all boys/men seem to have to kill and conquer. Well, sometimes I feel the need to kill but that's a different post on a more secure website. The CHF has also tried to watch the Bond films, often begging and pleading that she'll be good and quiet, however her attention span is far shorter when it comes to 007 than that of the males in the family and at some point during the films, despite her best efforts, I'm called to rescue the men from her squirmy chattering highness. I then use this time to bond (no pun intended but it's a little funny) with the CHF.

This morning, upon waking she came into my room and wanted to snuggle in bed. Then, of course she heard the Bond music coming from the living room and wanted to go watch. Knowing that she wouldn't keep still, I tried to dissuade her from wanting to go out to watch the movie by telling her it was a silly movie that only boys liked. In her sweetest groggy voice, she said to me, "It's not silly to me. I like James Bond, it makes me happy". Of course I started to buy into the cuteness of it so I took her out to the living room. When Monkey and Daddy exclaimed it would be too intense for her, she stated that it wouldn't because she liked to watch people die!!!! OMG, proud parenting moment #1 of the day. I knew she wouldn't last through Casino Royale and found some way to distract her which fails to come to mind right now because it occurred more than 13 minutes ago.

I thought the day went well with minimal gun battles and explosive noises coming from Monkey so, I thought no harm done, until of course proud parenting moment #2 struck. Just as I was tucking him in to bed tonight, he said to me, "Guess what's under my pillow?" I thought to myself, please let it be a magazine and not something that requires a magazine. Lo and behold, my wish did not come true, he pulls out the little black gun that's featured in this photo and says "Just in case I need it". I hope the bad guys in his dreams like the little pop noise that happens when the cork comes out of the barrel.

Braces

So today we had the consult regarding Monkey Boy's braces. The orthodontist who is also the kids' dentist is a very quiet, rather reserved Harvard educated man. He's always been pleasant but I wouldn't describe him as overly expressive. While we went through the various options for Monkey's dentition the kids played in the playroom located in the waiting room. After hearing the pros/cons of two rounds of braces and pretty much deciding Monkey would best be served by two rounds we decided to bring him into the orthodontist's office so that he could feel like he was an actual participant rather than just someone being told what to do (it's just a feeling we're trying to create for him, it's not real).

He sat patiently and attentively while Dr. Plain described the issues and how to correct them. He nodded in agreement when appropriate and showed genuine interest in the tooth model that made him gag and barf while completing. When Dr. Plain began to review the things he should not do with braces, the CHF chimes in that he should not chew gum with the hardware. Dr. Plain smiled at that and stated he thought she would become an orthodontist.

At some point the CHF felt the need to come over to the desk where I was seated with Monkey and as she sat on my lap she rips a ridiculously loud fart. Loud enough to be heard not only by Dr. Plain, but by the people in the suite next door who'd already gone home for the evening. This from a child that's all of about 32 lbs on a good day. Dr. Plain chuckled audibly and asked her to go sit by dad while waving his hand, likely to avoid the potential odor that was about to overtake his nostrils.

The discussion with Monkey continues and the CHF is sitting quietly on Dear Hubby's lap, she leans over and whispers something to Dear Hubby to which he attempts to quietly laugh. His attempt is rather unsuccessful and he becomes audible. Dr. Plain goes on with his conversation with Monkey. The CHF then chimes in and asks Dr. Plain if he's got lollipops. This is perfect timing because the discussion with Monkey regarding the brackets, bands and head gear (yes, my poor child inherited my overbite) has concluded and they're ready to move on. Dr. Plain reminds them where the lollipop container is and they scoot out of the room.

Dear Hubby joins me again at Dr. Plain's desk and proceeds to tell Dr. Plain and I that the CHF leaned over and whispered in his ear during Dr. Plain's discussion with Monkey that "He's (Monkey) going to have a grill".

Dr. Plain is after all, completely human and quite capable of expressing more than a smile and a nod. He actually laughed out loud and seemed genuinely amused. The CHF has quite a gift!

Just give me a few minutes

He looks like a nice boy right? Good with his siblings, responsible, handsome etc. Well, he's all of those things but he's also 19 and prone to lapses in judgment. The most recent lapse in judgment came in February (well that we know of anyway). We decided to surprise dear hubby's mom for her b-day. We asked the ARSe (Aspiring Rock Star--eldest) to either come with us or to stay at home and watch the dogs. Hmmm, which would you choose?
Knowing that he'd take advantage (and not in a bad way) of the situation I acknowledged that his girlfriend would be staying over, I have no issues with that (sorry if I've offended any "abstinence before marriage" fans). We informed ARSe that we'd be back fairly early the next day as dear hubby had a client. Apparently because ARSe doesn't live with us anymore, he's forgotten what early really is. We came home to find:
1 good friend sleeping on the couch
1 good friend sleeping on the borrowed air mattress
1 empty bottle of wine on the counter
MANY empty beer cans on the counter
Fumes of cigarettes and other substances that I recognized from the time when I was 19.

I heard dear hubby say "Good Morning" to the sleeping lads in the living room. Like a Ninja, I grabbed the empty wine bottle and threw it in the garbage can while instructing the little kids to go to their rooms because I needed to help clean up and talk to ARSe. Soon ARSe was running out of his bedroom and requesting a few minutes. He must have been in a daze because I think he forgot that giving him a few minutes would only move things forward, we could do nothing to erase what we'd just walked in to.

It was a fun conversation to have with ARSe and his two good friends. I explained that I was thrilled that they all stayed in one place and didn't drive anywhere in the condition they must have been in (and probably still were). I also went further to let them know that I trusted them to be in my home and know that nothing would be stolen or trashed. I did unleash a bit when I got to the part about the little kids seeing and smelling what was in the house and the fact that dear hubby is a personal trainer and that it wasn't really exemplifying a healthy lifestyle to have our home smell of cigarettes and medicinal herbs.

There were tears from ARSe after I told him that Monkey Boy thought his brother was "smoking drugs". He confessed to feeling like a particular advertising slogan geared towards this exact scenario. Being a step parent is really great because I can try out certain scenarios and lectures and see if they work. If they do I'm storing them for the next child, if not I can discuss it with the therapist.