The Corner

So, I realize it's been an exceptionally long time since I blogged. It's not for lack of funny things my children have said, it's more a lack of motivation to write it down. I'm currently having a bachelorette evening with the CHF. She is supposed to be in her bed but the past few nights she's woken up and crawled her bony little body into our bed. She hasn't done this for quite some time so I'm figuring she's having a growth spurt because isn't that the answer for any odd or regressive behavior with your children?

Last night, she was supposed to be eating her dinner and much to my dismay she was playing and doing everything she possibly could to avoid eating. This wouldn't be a problem for me, however it never fails that she gets hungry right before she has to go to bed which increases my workload. I don't actually like to have my workload increased when I'm trying to wind down. After much discussion with her, I finally decided she'd need to go stand in the corner, which is something I had to do from time to time with Monkey and it worked pretty well with him. The CHF is of course another story. I told her I'd start the 5 minute clock when she became compliant. She was in the corner a good 7 minutes before I could even start the clock, coming up with all kinds of reasons why she couldn't stand there, from having to pee to letting me know that her food was getting cold. I decided to avoid using the opportunity as a lesson in irony. When she was finally calming down and I was about to start the clock, she alerted me that she really didn't like spending time in the DAMN corner. I literally had to hide behind the entertainment center so that I could laugh hysterically.

007

Monkey showed up in the office one afternoon wearing this getup, cleverly put together by himself. For the past few months, Dan and Monkey have developed a Sunday morning ritual where they wake early and watch a James Bond movie. I'm not crazy about my 8 year old watching the violence and the womanizing, but I also understand that I'm a woman and cannot relate to the need that all boys/men seem to have to kill and conquer. Well, sometimes I feel the need to kill but that's a different post on a more secure website. The CHF has also tried to watch the Bond films, often begging and pleading that she'll be good and quiet, however her attention span is far shorter when it comes to 007 than that of the males in the family and at some point during the films, despite her best efforts, I'm called to rescue the men from her squirmy chattering highness. I then use this time to bond (no pun intended but it's a little funny) with the CHF.

This morning, upon waking she came into my room and wanted to snuggle in bed. Then, of course she heard the Bond music coming from the living room and wanted to go watch. Knowing that she wouldn't keep still, I tried to dissuade her from wanting to go out to watch the movie by telling her it was a silly movie that only boys liked. In her sweetest groggy voice, she said to me, "It's not silly to me. I like James Bond, it makes me happy". Of course I started to buy into the cuteness of it so I took her out to the living room. When Monkey and Daddy exclaimed it would be too intense for her, she stated that it wouldn't because she liked to watch people die!!!! OMG, proud parenting moment #1 of the day. I knew she wouldn't last through Casino Royale and found some way to distract her which fails to come to mind right now because it occurred more than 13 minutes ago.

I thought the day went well with minimal gun battles and explosive noises coming from Monkey so, I thought no harm done, until of course proud parenting moment #2 struck. Just as I was tucking him in to bed tonight, he said to me, "Guess what's under my pillow?" I thought to myself, please let it be a magazine and not something that requires a magazine. Lo and behold, my wish did not come true, he pulls out the little black gun that's featured in this photo and says "Just in case I need it". I hope the bad guys in his dreams like the little pop noise that happens when the cork comes out of the barrel.

Braces

So today we had the consult regarding Monkey Boy's braces. The orthodontist who is also the kids' dentist is a very quiet, rather reserved Harvard educated man. He's always been pleasant but I wouldn't describe him as overly expressive. While we went through the various options for Monkey's dentition the kids played in the playroom located in the waiting room. After hearing the pros/cons of two rounds of braces and pretty much deciding Monkey would best be served by two rounds we decided to bring him into the orthodontist's office so that he could feel like he was an actual participant rather than just someone being told what to do (it's just a feeling we're trying to create for him, it's not real).

He sat patiently and attentively while Dr. Plain described the issues and how to correct them. He nodded in agreement when appropriate and showed genuine interest in the tooth model that made him gag and barf while completing. When Dr. Plain began to review the things he should not do with braces, the CHF chimes in that he should not chew gum with the hardware. Dr. Plain smiled at that and stated he thought she would become an orthodontist.

At some point the CHF felt the need to come over to the desk where I was seated with Monkey and as she sat on my lap she rips a ridiculously loud fart. Loud enough to be heard not only by Dr. Plain, but by the people in the suite next door who'd already gone home for the evening. This from a child that's all of about 32 lbs on a good day. Dr. Plain chuckled audibly and asked her to go sit by dad while waving his hand, likely to avoid the potential odor that was about to overtake his nostrils.

The discussion with Monkey continues and the CHF is sitting quietly on Dear Hubby's lap, she leans over and whispers something to Dear Hubby to which he attempts to quietly laugh. His attempt is rather unsuccessful and he becomes audible. Dr. Plain goes on with his conversation with Monkey. The CHF then chimes in and asks Dr. Plain if he's got lollipops. This is perfect timing because the discussion with Monkey regarding the brackets, bands and head gear (yes, my poor child inherited my overbite) has concluded and they're ready to move on. Dr. Plain reminds them where the lollipop container is and they scoot out of the room.

Dear Hubby joins me again at Dr. Plain's desk and proceeds to tell Dr. Plain and I that the CHF leaned over and whispered in his ear during Dr. Plain's discussion with Monkey that "He's (Monkey) going to have a grill".

Dr. Plain is after all, completely human and quite capable of expressing more than a smile and a nod. He actually laughed out loud and seemed genuinely amused. The CHF has quite a gift!

Just give me a few minutes

He looks like a nice boy right? Good with his siblings, responsible, handsome etc. Well, he's all of those things but he's also 19 and prone to lapses in judgment. The most recent lapse in judgment came in February (well that we know of anyway). We decided to surprise dear hubby's mom for her b-day. We asked the ARSe (Aspiring Rock Star--eldest) to either come with us or to stay at home and watch the dogs. Hmmm, which would you choose?
Knowing that he'd take advantage (and not in a bad way) of the situation I acknowledged that his girlfriend would be staying over, I have no issues with that (sorry if I've offended any "abstinence before marriage" fans). We informed ARSe that we'd be back fairly early the next day as dear hubby had a client. Apparently because ARSe doesn't live with us anymore, he's forgotten what early really is. We came home to find:
1 good friend sleeping on the couch
1 good friend sleeping on the borrowed air mattress
1 empty bottle of wine on the counter
MANY empty beer cans on the counter
Fumes of cigarettes and other substances that I recognized from the time when I was 19.

I heard dear hubby say "Good Morning" to the sleeping lads in the living room. Like a Ninja, I grabbed the empty wine bottle and threw it in the garbage can while instructing the little kids to go to their rooms because I needed to help clean up and talk to ARSe. Soon ARSe was running out of his bedroom and requesting a few minutes. He must have been in a daze because I think he forgot that giving him a few minutes would only move things forward, we could do nothing to erase what we'd just walked in to.

It was a fun conversation to have with ARSe and his two good friends. I explained that I was thrilled that they all stayed in one place and didn't drive anywhere in the condition they must have been in (and probably still were). I also went further to let them know that I trusted them to be in my home and know that nothing would be stolen or trashed. I did unleash a bit when I got to the part about the little kids seeing and smelling what was in the house and the fact that dear hubby is a personal trainer and that it wasn't really exemplifying a healthy lifestyle to have our home smell of cigarettes and medicinal herbs.

There were tears from ARSe after I told him that Monkey Boy thought his brother was "smoking drugs". He confessed to feeling like a particular advertising slogan geared towards this exact scenario. Being a step parent is really great because I can try out certain scenarios and lectures and see if they work. If they do I'm storing them for the next child, if not I can discuss it with the therapist.

The past few months.

It's been interesting these past few months being at home. Once I finally got a job offer I was able to enjoy the last three weeks of the three months I was off and really be a stay at home mom, which truth be told, I'd do in a minute if I could. Yes, I did get bored at times, and I grew weary of hearing "Hey Mom" and then nothing and hearing yet another Titanic story that went like "Hey Mom, what if when the Titanic sank it.....". I also did cringe a bit when I heard dear hubby almost bragging about the fact that he hadn't done laundry in a long time (he's been very good about thanking me but still I didn't love hearing it), but overall, it beats going to an office every day. Picking the kids up from school, and being able to take time to do homework with them was much more fun than cramming it in on the weekend and arguing about the benefit of doing it all on the weekend so that the weekdays could be enjoyed. I also didn't love going to the gym after dropping the CHF at school. I had to be in the gym with a bunch of other women and wait to use the blow dryer and even the showers at the gym. Some people think I'm completely out of my mind for getting up at 4:30 to be at the gym by 5:00 but there are some huge benefits: It's quiet, no one is trying to hit on anyone at that hour, I never have to wait for equipment and I get to feel a sick sense of pride when the topic of working out comes up and I share that little part of myself.

For those of you stay at home moms who think they just can't read another story, wipe another face, make another sandwich, do another load of laundry, eat another piece of soggy cracker off your kid's face, think of me...I'm now driving only 27 miles to work but unless I go at 6:30 a.m.(which I did this a.m.), it takes me about an hour to get there (this a.m. only about 45 minutes). I no longer have the luxury of skipping a shower if I'm pressed for time, or wearing a baseball hat. I have to dress like a grown up in uncomfortable clothes and even more uncomfortable (but super cute) shoes. Once I get there I get the pleasure of sitting in a 5 X 8 cubicle (it's probably actually smaller), trying to figure out how to work the new system. Don't get me wrong, I know how incredibly lucky I am to have a job and to have found one so quickly after being laid off. I know, I truly am lucky, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but having been on the other side of the fence recently, the grass truly is greener on that side.

Anyway....I'm back at work and will likely be posting more frequently now that I'm pressed for time, so thank you Martie for telling me I have a fan club :-).

Mom, what's a **gly sl**?

Ok, so not only am I still unemployed but I'm really starting to question my parenting. I mean, we all make mistakes right? It's something to take note of and learn from. There are certain movies that I think are ok for the kids to watch even though they're PG-13. I really don't have an issue with my kids learning about sex early in life, I mean I remember having a pretty good idea of what was going on behind close doors around Monkey's age (almost 8). I didn't have all the details worked out but there was enough talk at school to plant ideas. So I figure as long as I'm honest and answer just the questions that are asked without too much elaboration, the kids will grow up knowing that sex is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Without it, none of us would exist right? So, I borrowed "Mean Girls" from the library a few days ago. No, I'm not a huge Lindsay Lohan fan but I do get a kick out of Tina Fey. I was actually a fan of hers before Sarah Palin was ever a house hold name. I loved her on SNL and have been a devoted 30 Rock fan since day 1, so....I saw Mean Girls and decided it was worth the watch.
I was about to watch it, Dan and Monkey were going to run an errand and I figured most adult humor would sail right over the CHF's head, or get stuck in a curl to be used later in life. Monkey saw that we were about to watch a movie and asked if he could stay. I didn't even think twice. We watched the movie, I didn't think it was too awful, but then again, I sort of only 1/2 way paid attention to the entire thing.
No further discussion about it. We then went to see a stage production of Wizard of Oz last night. For children, by children. (BTW, it was fabulous) Here's where I was feeling like a really good parent because this is the 4th show we've seen by this theater company and the kids love going. All was good.

After going to Farmer's Market this a.m. and coming home and dealing with two cranky children, I'd successfully gotten CHF to take a nap and Monkey to finish most of his homework for the week. Feeling a bit of relief I sat here on the couch looking for a recipe for stuffed peppers. Monkey's sitting at the table coloring yet another picture of a ship sinking. I see him get an impish smile on his face and he gets up, approaches me and asks:
"Mom, what's a fugly slut?".

UUUUGGGHHHH!!!! I guess I didn't catch that part of the dialogue. I explained very calmly and with absolutely no astonishment that it was a very mean thing to say about a girl and it shouldn't ever be repeated. I went further to indicate that I'd made an error in allowing him to watch that movie. He went one step further to remind me that I also allowed the CHF to watch it and perhaps that was an even bigger mistake.

Gotta love these kids!

Is a comment really needed here?

I just don't think so.

Another Bad Word

Ok, so it's been a while since I made an entry. I would love to use the "holidays" excuse. You know, the tried and true "I've been so busy with the holidays, I've barely had time to....", you fill in the blank. I have been busy, but it's not because of the holidays, it's a different kind of busy, busy looking for a job. I've been sending out resumes like mad and pimping myself all over job boards like the job tramp that I am. So, this morning was the first day back at school and my first day back at the job search. Everything was going really well this a.m., Monkey got up a bit groggy but in his usual great mood once the cobwebs cleared. The CHF had to be woken up which caused Monkey to wish me luck on my way into the bedroom. We all know she's not the happiest girl on the planet when her beauty sleep is interrupted. Despite being woken up, she was happy. Yes, I did think that all my good karma was already used up at 7:30 a.m. and wondered if I should even go forward with the scheduled phone interview at 10:00. Was I taking a huge risk? Nah, I've got a lot more good karma coming my direction.
Everything was going smoothly, almost too smoothly... you know something's coming right? Here it is. While I was looking in the closet for the Ergo (One of the reasons the CHF was likely in a good mood could have been that I told her immediately she could stay in her PJs and I'd take her in the Ergo to drop Monkey off at school), bent over, moving things around, the wand of the canister vacuum cleaner (you know the long part that connects to the canister and allows you to attach any part you so desire to get all the dog hair and crumbs) fell over and knocked me right on the head. So, I said it...SH*T..., kinda quietly to myself, or so I thought. I hear the tiny voice off slightly in the distance saying,
"That's a bad word".
ARGH, "yes it is and mommy should not have said it". Then I heard...
"When I'm a grown up I can say that bad word when I'm looking for things too."
Good thing I didn't give up swearing for New Years.